Oh dear, seriously need to write on here more often :s
Problem is a lot has happened and it’s really hard to remember every single thing that might be interesting.
I’m finding at the moment my memory is getting worse, not my long term memory, but more my short term, so I now easily forget what happened 5 weeks ago, 5 days and even 5 minutes ago!
Another reason I don’t tend to keep my blog up to date is because I also have a diary, so when I write in my diary I don’t tend to write it again on my blog and vice versa. Also a blog is very public and therefore you can’t put all the thoughts that pass through your head out there into the world wide web, unless you’re a type of person who likes to have everything out in the open.
I tend to be quite a private and quiet person, usually I tend to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, unless I’m with someone I really trust and then share what I’m thinking with them. In the past when I was younger and a bit naive, I use to share things with people, who would then spread it around, and at school that was crippling and mortifying. And that did a lot to damage my trust with people and made me to withdraw within myself and feel that I had to be constantly on my guard in case I did or said something that someone might use against me later. I also found it (and still find it to some extent) to approach people as I had a deep fear of rejection and the only way for me to avoid being rejected was to not make contact in the first place.
It’s taken a long time for me to get over my fears, really I’m still going through the process. Recently, my confidence seems to have dipped and have no idea why or what’s causing it, which is annoying to say the least.
I come across situations where I know I’m capable of doing it yet something inside me hesitates and then my confidence goes down the plughole and I then feel like I did when I was 14, when I would avoid the dinner hall at all costs because of the real fear of sitting on my own because I had no friends, because no one wanted to be associated with ‘The Dog’ of the classroom.
On a positive note (because it’s not all doom and gloom, honestly!) my lack of confidence is sometimes temporary, and I have come a long, long way from how I use to be, and continue to pray to God to help me through all the difficulties I face with his unlimited love and grace.
